NESTED IN TANGLES

living at the edges of rupture, 
i find solidity in the movement of roots wrangling up my legs and wrapping around my waist, 
the truth held steady in the nest between my lungs, beating like wings spanning beyond this life,
i reach through limbic estuaries casting shadows along the entropy and chaos of memory
i reach to the limits of this tangled landscape
my body holds the history as a map
disparate narratives, oscillations, aerial parts and unrevealed roots,
fault lines that were never my fault
now i am standing clear in the abstractions, attachments, and complexities
i am fragmentary and whole at once, 
i am tender heart and jagged hand
i am a bird, and a stone, and a fragile bone and i am here to listen and love the child i have always been,
to hear the torrent in my chest as a song i must sing,
as a bright thing i have to offer to the space between
and as the sun seeps through the branches
i believe in the breakage as an opening, 
as a beginning
i believe there is a way through,
i believe i can learn to trust again and again and again

LIFE’S WORK

how long does the love last
here and then fading past the point
proven through abstraction, through the absence of concern for the hollow avoidance revealing a door behind another door revolving around the fragments of resentment,
learning to trust in spite of it is life's work,
life's work
learning to trust in spite of it is life's work,
life's work
reconcile the child through hostile family
rupture is tradition, born into dissonance
blamed for all the shadows of those who remain blind to themselves meeting in mirrors of deflected projections
learning to trust in spite of it
is life's work
learning to trust in spite of it
life's work life's work life's work
blue herons flew over our house as it burned down
anger lingering on in all that's left of it has left and gone
nowhere and everywhere like edges of water i reach each lesson and find my way through the endings
learning to trust in spite of it is life's work
learning to love in spite of it is life's work
life's work

FALLING FROM AND FURTHER

sandcastles every day
built again then washed away
when all came and passed through
i never knew what i meant to you
in diminishment
the wake of a lacking trust
breathe the breakage fast and let it last to
feel it all
feel it all
in the blinding lights on the highway 
i merge where it hurts
shoulders narrow guiding
brevity of the turning
the fear of everyone leaving
keeps me leaving first,
when my world grows smaller
falling from and further toward to
feel it all
feel it all
i lose track of the life i've lived
recalled through sudden losses
it's all there and gone the same
lessons in forgetting
more than this i wish for time back
more than this i wish for time
more than this i wish to
feel it all

BEHOLDEN TO

STEADY IN THE HAND

keep me in mind
in my eye you're the eagle
seeing the blinding
sight of the sun
leaning behind
my back is bending
finding the long light
leading the way
to you i hold
steady in the hand
it's you i hold to
steady in the hand
i want to give the best of me to you
the life rising through into
my arms wrapped around your shoulders
unfolding again
everything i came to know from you
rose through from the heart of the wound
hearing your laughter
brings me down like an anchor
it's you i hold to
steady in the hand
it's you i hold to
steady in the hand
nowhere were we so close than the barren field burned and
buried in the clearing, bruised knees bleeding
nowhere were we so close to the child in wildness
fallen branches beneath me, the weight of leaving
it takes living and losing to know what matters,
the loving shatters the edges and softens me again
the morning breaks me open
hoping to know
where you are from here
it's you i hold to
steady in the hand
you i hold to
steady in the hand
steady in the hand

A BODY, A MAP

SURVIVING YOU

righteous indignation
i hear the shrill of the past yelling, telling me to run fast ahead
he wants me to tread light and stay tender,
but i'm a jagged hand
i learned from you, how to leave, how to fight hard, how to pull apart and push away
waving through a closed window waiting to be mirrored back
my palm pressed to the glass i feel it cut through
homesick
watching the fog lift and the smoke drift through the morning now
how you hurt us to feel stronger
in the wrong, doing the wrong
smoldering as the rage lingers longer
there's nothing more to give toward forgiveness when there is no willingness to understand
i stand clearer now, seeing how it's always been
i'll never win
in the end
it's a bending it's a breaking down
palm pressed to the glass i feel it cut through
homesick
i know the fury of the throat and the swallowing
tear the teeth out
as the lies fill the mouth drowning in sound,
spit the blood out
surviving you
palm pressed to the glass
i feel it cut through
homesick

THE SPACE BETWEEN (ft. Daniel Rossen)

the sun came back, in one fell swoop

a sequence of grievances turned to grace

yearning in the birds murmuring above,

the rains pass as fast as love

like shadows changing shape

what remains holds the weight, holds the weight

spin me away,

heavy light

finally there is room for me

in the space between,

as the flint strikes quick on the stone

there's a redemption in the fragile bone

as the brightness of sorrow

punctures through the armor

i've built around the harm

and i'm sinking into the arms

i am living into the changing light

i wish you had been there

wish you were more aware of me

in this body, there's a heart beating

and it's my heart

and it's your heart, that i've needed

i needed better, better

and i don't forgive

i let it live in

the space between

what's gone and what's given

and if there is another way

let it move me

and if there is a way out

let it be through me

Heavy Light 6:40

recollections move through in sudden shifting shapes

i release into the unburdening

to live here in this unforgiving lightness

to hold it all as it is

i am all that never and always was

i am still a child finding flowers, unfurling forms

and falling further into laughter

i am still cradling sand, steady in the hand

i am the love lasting

And there i am, a fragile being in the belly of your body

And there we are, mirrored in likeness, 

and shrouded in the shadow of duality

Here we are, severed together

Where i am finding my way through this barren field with bruised knees

And even at the shattered edges i see the ways we loved

And the ways we hurt

The ways i’ve always carried the weight of your absence

Reaching for you when i needed you

And i will keep reaching

To live here, in the heavy

In the light

I am the heart i’ve needed

And i feel it all